Last Spring, I found myself extremely overwhelmed. You know what I mean, when you feel like you can't possibly hold it all together for a second longer. Those times when you are so busy and your mind is constantly occupied, but nothing feels fulfilling.
I was in the stressful detail stages of trying to plan a wedding, working full time (with a 250 mile per week commute), teaching fitness, and trying to wrap up my last month of college life in Monmouth. I also had no idea what the future held, as Daniel was still on the job hunt. I was trying to apartment search when we didn't even know for sure what town we would be living in. I was fumbling desperately for control of the future while floundering to keep it together in the present.
One day I woke up to get ready for work and it hit me how drained and absolutely stressed I felt. I realized I needed a day to breathe. I called in, went back to sleep, and spent a day doing something I desperately needed to do, and I think we as people often forget to do- rest.
On the afternoon of my restful day, I headed to the park across the highway from my apartment. I lay my quilt out by the stream and tried to will myself not to think or worry or try to solve all my problems, but just to rest. To listen to God, and just be. To trust Him.
I ended up writing this passage. I hope it encourages you in some way, whether it makes you realize you're not alone in your struggle to trust, or you use it as a devotion, or whatever your heart leads to you to.
My Father,
I have been so far from you. I feel like I have these walls up against you and I don't know why or where they came from.
I need to rest. I need to trust in you and rest in you. I need to take time to be with you. I need to be still. You are God and I am not. Your ways are higher than mine.
I need to take time to know who my God is and have my needs met in him.
Who are you God? You are:
-Provider: you give what I need
-Redeemer: you make me new
-Savior: you save me from evil
-Teacher: you tell me what is right
-Guide: you show me what path to take
-Lord: you are worthy of honor in my life
-Father: you take care of me
-Lover: you know me and see me as precious
-Healer: you heal my hurts
What do you do, God? You:
-Lift Burdens: take away stress
-Lead: give insight
-Bless: give good things
-Know all: have all understanding
-Bring Light: fill with joy and hope
-Strengthen: so we may do all things
-Restore: make new
-Give mercy: have compassion
-Give grace: forgive and give freedom
Lord you are worthy:
-Of my trust
-To follow with my whole heart and life
-Of obedience
-Of my time
-Of listening to and talking to
-Of praise and adoration
Lord, you are so great. You are so powerful and kind and compassionate. Why don't I give my burdens to you? I feel you gently inviting me to.
Lord, please be my everything. Please be the one I turn to and the one who fills me up. Please be above all else in my life.
"Majesty enthroned in beauty
all my life, your love pursues me
and I'm found in you
oh Holy One, the King of Glory
you're the author of my story
and I'm found in you
Because you give me light
and lead me to find your grace and your mercy
given so freely
your word is my light
it leads me to find your comfort and healing
the hope that I'm needing
Your love is all around
oh Living One you reign forever
drawing me into your presence
and I'm found in you
oh Great Reedemer, Precious Savior
you are faithful though I wander
and I'm found in you
And I hear your voice
I hear the words you've spoken
this love is yours
this love restores the broken
oh, your love is all around"
Lord I give you my work. Please make me a good worker, that I may serve you in all I do. I give you the path of my work and trust you will design it.
Lord I give you my relationships. Please make me a good friend, family member, and wife. Help me to be more like you in my relationships. Help me to seek your love before the love of others. I trust you to take care of my relationships, and to love the people I care about, and guide them and grow them. I give you my relationships and people, trusting you will nurture them. I'm not in charge, you are.
Lord I give you my time. I pray you will show me how to spend it. I trust you to balance my time. I give you my sleeping, my eating, my socializing, my exercising, my downtime, my working. I pray you'd take it all and redesign it in a way that focuses on you, trusts you to be God, and rests in you.
Lord I give you my future. I give you wedding planning. I give you my marriage and our living situation. I give you my career. I give you my future family. I give you my finances. I give you my responsibilities. I give you my body and my mind. I trust the plans you have. I trust you will provide. I trust you will guide me. I trust you will be my light and my redeemer.
Lord you are enough, and I am not. I have felt that all of this is on me. I give it to you. I can't handle it, but you can. I don't know what ought to happen, but you do. You have patience and the right timing, I do not. You are enough. You can handle it all. Please take my burdens, I give them to you, you can handle them.
Lord, you are enough and the world is not. I have felt that my needs are not being met. I give those needs to you. You are the one that can fulfill my need to be loved, understood, wanted, cherished. When you are the one I'm connected with, the relationships I have can be more fulfilling because my deepest needs have a foundation with you. When I'm not seeking you to meet my needs, I seek others, and these are impossible demands. You only truly know me. Please give me peace to know that and to know that people are doing their best, and love me the best they can. Please help me to share my life with others and enjoy deep companionship, but be ultimately dependent on you. I know who you are, you designed me and know my unique needs. You created me to know you and need you. I trust you to fill me.
Lord, why do I try to take on these things, or place my well-being on people or things? I know full well that you are the one. It seems I just forget. How could I forget? Did I get distracted? Lord please don't let me fall away from you. Please help me take time for you. Please center my life around you. Please speak to me.
"Do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty. For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself... only fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart. For consider what great things he has done for you." -1 Samuel 12:20-24 ESV
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good, and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord." -Jeremiah 29:11-14 ESV
Lord I need you. You are enough. I can completely rest because you are carrying me. I can stop striving and trust you. I want to see your face every moment.
"Lord, help me to grab hold of you today. I need you. Set me free to begin reorienting my life around you and you alone. Help me to pay attention and honor how you have uniquely made me. Thank you for the gift of rest. In Jesus' name, amen." -Peter Scazzero, Daily Office
Lord you have done the work. All I need to do is trust you.
You're welcome, thank you for reading it Ken :)
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